So it’s been a little and here I am..  annoyed, angry, happy, sad, hurt, and sometimes pissed. But who isn’t? I usually have all these feelings in one day lately.  You see I have ups and downs; my husband says I’m cyclically.  I do agree, and it bothers me. Do I want to feel so “off” for so many days? No! Do I try and change direction of my feelings? Absolutely! I am on medication which helps because if I’m not, I turn into the daily devil.. my own NP told me I can’t ever come off.. but she is also my best friend and brutally honest with me. Which is one of the best things I could have, because she is honest and I trust her.

I am also on something called low dose naltrexone (LDN). Now I maybe opening a can of worms with this topic but take it or leave it! I suffer from an autoimmune disease, currently not pin pointed to which one, because well I have given up. It started with Mono and Epstein Barr syndrome about 8 years ago. In the beginning we used the term “stress” which caused the extreme fatigue, pain, headaches, dizziness, etc.. it came and went then came and stayed and went. And came again and stayed longer and went.. then it became debilitating and interfered with life. Dr after Dr and nothing. Until my primary at the time suggested MS, but then the tests did not concur. We ended up in the city with a new neurologist and continued the quest. Long story short it’s not MS, Lyme, or lupus. Some of the tests indicated Lupus and MS but I don’t meet the full criteria. So, it’s autoimmune until symptoms change and we can conclude something. So, till this day I get Botox every 3 months in my forehead, my head, neck and shoulders and take meds to relieve the symptoms. As far as the Botox is concerned, I can’t believe the difference it has made in relief from the headache pain. But then the extreme fatigue and body pain, now do I just deal with that? I mean that’s not fair for me or my family. Some days I can’t even get up and function. So, my new primary, my best friend decided she was going to “fix” me and try something new. LDN! Being in the medical field and knowing what this is normally used for I was hesitant. But finally, I gave in. We started at 0.5mg and worked up to 2mg daily.. Let me just say had I known, how this drug would have changed my life I would have done it sooner! The pain was reduced and fatigue lessened. And it also helps with depression and mood fluctuations. I am beyond grateful to her and her persistence with me. The first one who was like yup we are going to figure this out, no one should feel like this. So let me just say forget about the stigmas and what people will think. You deserve to try something if all options fail.  To each their own, I will never make everyone happy and I shouldn’t want to.  I should want to make only me and my family happy.

So that was a long story, sorry. But I believe I am currently in what we have named as a “flare up”. Exhausted, mood changes, and pain. Why? Stress? Work? Family? I’m sure a little of each of the above, but I can’t change those things. Life is life and full of stress. A new teenage driver, 3 other kids, leaving one job, loss of extra income, my husband, my work, and the feeling of not being good enough. But what is good enough? Who defines that? Me? Well, I wish I did, but I unfortunately I let others define that for me. I should be the one that says “yes that is enough, and I am enough” but that’s not me. Especially when I am a “people pleaser”?

I often ask what would make me happy? And this is unfortunately a hard question for me to answer. But I honestly don’t believe I am alone, am I? I have given so much of me to my family and friends and forgotten about me. I truly believe this is easy to do and somewhat the norm for many today. So here I am taking time to learn more about me and what I like, no what I LOVE.

 

I am going to try something new if possible, at least once a week. I will share my new venture, task, book etc with you. Please share any suggestions or thoughts or ideas with me. I honestly don’t have a huge imagination, never had, and struggle with new ideas.

This week I jumped on the sourdough bandwagon wagon. Excited to try this new hobby, I bought all the supplies and was ready to go. Searching for the right easy starter recipe on Instagram and began my journey. And yes, to me this is a journey, I mean I prepare my starter by mixing the ingredients in the jar and continue to the next step. Well, that next step is to…. Wait…. And wait and wait. So my ADHD and impulsive demeanor was pissed.. I mean I must feed this shit once a day and throw out half of the growth once a day for a week. A full week to see something tangible???? WTF? 🤬 So this is when I am going to make myself grow and learn to calm the fuck down and wait. Something for me that is sooooo hard. I am a need it now and it must be perfect kinda person, why the hell would anyone want to start something and wait a week after a five min process?? Ugh but I can do this, yes I can!

I am on day 3 and have already lost interest lol. Day 3 and I must feed “gizmo”. Yes, I named my starter gizmo. I opened the jar, and I have bubbles!!! Amazing, it is working, and I did it and I feel something.  I feel excited, yup it’s the little things. Excitement over bubbles and dough that I must continue to look at and feed for another 4 days at least. But this is big for me, I am having a feeling other than what I have been feeling lately. And it’s fun! Yes, my kids are making fun of me and gizmo but they don’t get it. Probably won’t either until they are parents. But that’s ok, the fact that they are thinking about me and gizmo and making me laugh excites me. It makes me feel good and that at the age of 11 and up my kids are still there intrigued by what mom is doing and interested in it. Even if it is stupid to them. ♥️